When I am silent, usually for a few days in a row, my husband isn't quite sure what to do, how to read me. It frustrates him.
I sense it but I don't know how to reassure him that I am fine or to let him know that in about an hour, I will be okay.
I don't know when I will be fine. I am not even sure that exists anymore for me.
So, on top of everything else I am feeling, I feel like I have failed as a wife and as a mother.
Simply put, I don't know how to be truly present anymore.
I have so many questions. So many questions that no one can give me the answers to. So, instead of asking them, I remain quiet. It will anger me if I ask the questions and no one can answer me. Silence is best. I don't want to deal with anger on top of the raw pain I am feeling.
I don't have desires any more and I lack energy. It is scary but I don't know how else to be.
I am lost.
I want to know why God allowed this to happen. I want to know if I will ever be the person I was before all of this. I want to know if the pain will always be intense. I want to know if my daughter will ever know the mother I was to her before I became who I am now.
What was the sense in two lives being lost before they ever got the chance to live? How do I make sense of this? What was all of this for?
For the rest of my life, I am left to wonder what their giggles would have sounded like, what foods they would have liked, how their smiles would have soothed my soul, when they would have gotten married and what their sweet babies would have looked like.
Instead of imagining all of this, I so desperately wish I would have been given the gift to experience it. Every single drop of it.
I am silent. I don't know how to express all of this. I don't know what to say when some one ask how I am doing.
I am silent because I hope the One who knows it all will answer me. I hope He fills in the gaps of the silences and He whispers the answers to all of my questions and wonderings.