The First Without

To be honest, I have been dreading this month. Four and half months ago, I thought about this current time and my wish was to be in a deep coma.

That wish has not come true. To add to that, I cannot find anyone willing to knock me out during this holiday season so I won't have to live it.

I don't want to experience this first holiday season without my twins. I thought I would have two more stockings to fill and two more precious girls to buy for.

So, I hope you will excuse me if I don't want to "do" Christmas this year.

This is not me. Not at all. I am one of those annoying people who start listening to Christmas music in October and have all of my Christmas decorations out and up before the food for Thanksgiving has even been bought.

My house is decorated from ceiling to floor and not a spare inch spared from anything Christmas.

I tend to go a little crazy. I have always loved Christmas and everything it entails. I love Christmas shopping, Christmas music, Christmas trees (I pretty much have enough Christmas trees to put in each room), and at this time in the year, my family and I are eating off Christmas dishes.

I told you I tend to go a little crazy.

This year . . . is hard. My husband is downstairs right now putting up the Christmas tree. Just a little over two weeks until the 25th is upon us and we (I mean, my husband) is just now putting it up. I don't want any part of it.

We usually do all of this together. And you guessed it, with Christmas music playing in the background and some peppermint hot chocolate steaming in our Christmas mugs. It is an event!

I don't want to this year. My sweet husband has been wonderful. He has not pushed anything on me. He has not mentioned, not once, any of our traditions.

He did tell me the other day that we will put up the Christmas tree. JUST the Christmas tree.

And a moment ago he made a request that he would like all of us (the three of us, not five) to put the ornaments on together.

I said I would.

The tree, in relative comparison, is going to resemble Charlie Brown's. Just the basics are going to adorn it this year. It will not be covered in its usual splendor.

I said I would join in adorning the tree with our ornaments. It is going to be difficult but I said I would. I am doing this for my daughter. For two weeks now, she has told me that she "wants Christmas in her house".

For her, I am going through the motions without any of my usual excited Christmas emotions. I hope she doesn't realize what is missing in her mommy this year.

I hope the Lord continues to protect her. I hope none of her child-like innocence has been stolen.

I hope that this is part of the grieving process for me. I hope next year, a part of my old self has returned. I know I will never be the same "whole" me that I was before but I do hope that old "pieces" of who I used to be, returns.

I have realized that the Firsts in life are either celebrated or difficult. Six months ago, I thought we would be celebrating Emmy and Vivi's First Christmas. It will be celebrated, for they are experiencing their First Christmas, just not with me, and that is difficult.

Stephanie