Empty
I can honestly say I have never felt more empty in my life before eight months ago.
It was a terrible feeling I didn't know what to do with. It was foreign. I didn't recognize my own voice, my own reflection and I sure couldn't recall any of my desires and dreams. What were those anyway?
I was empty.
I have had people tell me recently that those first months after Emmerson and Vivienne went to be with their King, that I looked like a zombie. That there was nothing . . . no light . . . no life in my eyes.
I was empty.
I have been reflecting a lot. On how I view life now and how I viewed it then. I reflect on God and how I boxed Him in, defined Him by my own definitions. And now, I am just trying to keep those fists unclenched and keeping my gaze fixed to the heavens and letting God do His thing.
I have wrestled with many trials (some not so heart wrenching) in my life and since I have been reflecting, I have wondered a lot if that was God trying to teach me, to show me that He is always enough.
I have felt so empty.
I am reflecting. I am wondering. Am I empty so that God can fill me back up with all that is truly good?
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Psalm 23:5
Stephanie
Ohhhh . . . my heart aches with you, as I know that "emptiness" too - I've had three miscarried babies, a stillborn daughter at 36 weeks and the death of our 16 year old son. But I know how God fills those empty aches too - and JOY does come again in the morning though it may be a very long night. He will fill our empty hearts.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the ache and the beauty of your journey. And for the perspective and experience that joy does come in the morning.
DeleteYour willingness to share such intimate parts of your life... brings so much healing and strength to weak souls... and I consider faithful God and think about His goodness... believing with you that He fills you back up with "all that is truly good"...
ReplyDeleteBeautiful is your heart in His hands...
Oh, your words resonate in a deep and tender way. Thank you for sharing from such a place of vulnerability and honesty. I pray that God will meet you in those empty places. Your words are beautiful, friend.
ReplyDeleteI stopped over from the 5 Minute Friday link up. My heart aches for you. I've never known this loss. Praying He comes and fills the empty spaces in your heart.
ReplyDeleteI'm here from 5 minute Friday. As a mama who lost her first, I ache as I read this. Thank you for sharing. ((hug))
ReplyDeleteI think you are asking all the right questions, and you are so very, very brave. Praying for you that God will fill continue to fill that emptiness.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for popping in on my five minutes this week, and your comment. I'd forgotten that Erma Bombeck was the author of that quote. So, not a man, but definitely not mothering little ones at the time she said it! Ha!