Everything has been hard.
Smiling . . . Getting out of bed . . . Showering . . . Eating . . . Patience . . . Seeing, really seeing . . . Faith . . . Believing . . . Everything! It has all been hard. So incredibly hard.
But why does it all have to be JUST. SO. HARD???
Why? Why? Why?
When the questions come hard and fast, where are the answers?
When life was given and breath stopped and the heart beating below my own stopped, why couldn't mine have stopped as well? Weren't they connected? Weren't they joined? Did the breath and the heart stop because of a disconnect? Was the disconnect my own? My fault?
Why do I now have to live the hard? Why don't easy answers come for the hard questions?
Why?!
Paul had the thorn (2 Corinthians 12:7). Jacob had the limp for the wrestling (Genesis 32:23-25). We all have our crosses, this I know. But why?
Why can't we choose them? I wouldn't have chosen this. I would have chosen one that I believed I would be strong enough to bear . . .
This is hell!
This is hard!
Jesus had His cross. Jesus, the God-Man, the God-Flesh, had His. Did He know it from the first breath of worldly air? Did He know what His future held? The anguish? The pain? Did He dread it everyday? Was He satisfied with it for He knew the glory? Or did He just live the God-Life? He bore The Cross with weight added by my shame. He bore it and He didn't have to.
He didn't have to bear the weight of my mistakes, adding to the fury of insults hurled and spiked metal piercing.
He didn't have to endure the hard, but He did . . .
Is that enough to make my cross more bearable?
Is that the hard answer to the anguished why?
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:8
Stephanie
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ReplyDeleteHi Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through your faces of loss post. I also lost my twin girls last year. I developed severe pre-eclampsia and delivered them at 25 weeks. They both fought a hard battle that they never should have been asked to do. Each day is unbearable, it is a life that no mother should ever have to live. Thinking of you and your sweet girls. Thank you for sharing your story. www.adayinthelifeofatoddler.blogspot.com
Stephanie, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm thankful that you do know Jesus and His healing though the process may not be as smooth as you would like. Though I don't have children - and haven't lost children - I know from the loss that I have experienced that God doesn't allow anything without a reason. I also know that our pain doesn't have to be in vain. Thank you for sharing your story. It is very courageous of you.
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