I wish I could turn back the hands of the time
and go back to that June day. See another image on the Ultrasound screen, have the air that filled that room one of joy and not stillness, utter shock.
I wish I could return to that June day and hear different words, see faces that expressed excitement and not faces that said they were sorry.
I wish I could return to that June day and return all those excited, much anticipated calls and texts with news they were wanting . . . expecting . . . wishing to hear.
I wish I could have entered that dark room on different terms. I wish I could have entered it and it would have been a room of rejoicing and not regretting.
I wish I could turn around and start anew in that room so when the contractions gave way to life, I would have held you in my arms and rejoiced in the breaths of your cries.
I wish I could turn around and start anew in that room and while I held you, felt the movement of life, the breath of life, seen the eyes open and searching in wonder and in awe. Seen the lips of your daddy move and root and smacking together.
I wish I could whisper those three words to you during two am feedings, during diaper changes, during bath times. Always face to face to express how much this mommy loves you.
I wish I could have been given the chance to be your mommy, this side of heaven.
I wish I could carry you in these arms of mine and let my arms be the perch in which you could see the sweetness of the world, the beauty and the love of all time.
Stephanie
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ReplyDeleteJust fixing a typo... comment resubmitted below.
DeleteI'm so sorry. I've been through the loss of a pregnancy and it's so difficult. You have put the sense of loss beautifully into words.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is difficult. It has been almost 8 months since I said goodbye to my identical twin girls, Emmerson and Vivienne. Emmerson was born alive and Vivienne, born 12 and a half hours later, was born still. I find that I like to talk about them. a lot! If you ever need to talk of your baby, I am all ears. Have you had another since your loss? Was it hard?
DeleteWhat a sweet and tender tribute to your baby. So sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from Mama Kat's.
Thank you so much for that! That's what my hope is every time I write, that I can honor my twins through this. Thank you again!
DeleteSo beautifully written. I'm sure your girls are looking down on you from heaven. Stopping by from Mama Kat's
ReplyDeleteThank you! I hope that too. I hope God allows them to look down and know about me, their daddy and their big sister.
DeleteOh, Stephanie; this is beautiful. I believe with all that is in me that somehow, some way, Emmerson and Vivienne know that they are loved and missed. I am so sorry that you are without them, that you are struggling to figure out how to be without them. I wish there were something I could do or say that would make this journey bearable for you. I know there is not (especially at just 8 months into this grief) and for that I am immensely sorry.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Your kindness and compassion alone, touches me deeply. Thank you!
DeleteThat would be so hard to lose a child--I'm sorry for your loss and pain. No wonder you wish it could have been different.
ReplyDeleteI did this prompt too: http://www.zemeks.blogspot.com/2012/02/three-things-i-wish-i-could-do-writers.html