Patience Is A Virtue

I think I have mentioned here before how one of my virtues is not patience.

However, when my three year old was a baby, my husband was shocked, SHOCKED, at the level of patience I had for her. 

I, on the other hand, was not. I have always loved babies and small children. 

I was, however, shocked at the lack of patience my husband had for her. Not in a bad way. My husband has an obscene amount of patience. It really pisses me off sometimes. I mean, how can one person have THAT MUCH patience?

So, anyway, I was shocked, when for once, I had more than he did.

I used to have a lot of patience for toddlers too. That is, until a certain toddler became my child. 

The tides have changed once again.

My patience level is almost always teetering around empty. When my husband comes home, I am more than happy to throw the reigns in his face and take off running in the opposite direction. 

I usually don't run. I do throw those reigns as far as I can though. I know I need to get away and so does my husband. He offers me some time to myself but I am always torn between spending time together, as a family, and getting some much needed solitude . . . me time. 

He misses a lot when he is gone the majority of the week, every week. And we miss him too. There are so many family things that we miss out on together. My daughter and I will still do them but they are not the same without him. 

The other day my husband was getting ready to leave for another trip and I was on the verge of tears. I didn't know if I had enough left in me to go it alone for another week. I begged him to let me fly his plane and for him to stay at home. A little background: my husband has dreamed of being a stay-at-home dad. He looked at me and said, NO WAY! Not because he didn't think I wouldn't do a good job flying his aircraft but because he wanted to get away. 

Our daughter is very sweet and well mannered (I work tirelessly to ensure that she is polite and respects people) but she can also be challenging. She is three years old but thinks she is 20. She is VERY strong-willed, opinionated and determined. She is like her dad in that she will not take no for an answer. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, bath time and picking out clothes are battlegrounds. All of this wears me out and tests my patience. This past month I have felt like I have been on the verge of losing it with her too many times. I start believing that I was not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. 

I also tell myself that I am the only one who gets like this. Other moms do it everyday with a lot more calm and control than I do. Other moms do not let their children get the best of them. 

I also wonder, when these lies start digging, if this is why Emmerson and Vivienne did not survive. Did God know that I would not be able to handle it? 

I want to go back to work but do I want to go back for the wrong reasons? I want to go back to work but we (my husband and I) feel that staying home and giving her that extra security is extremely important. Her Daddy is not home much, his schedule changes often and this last year has been stressful for her too. I'm sure it was even scary for her. She witnessed her mommy turn into a zombie. She saw, everyday and for months, her mommy sob and stare off into space. She has started to ask more and more questions about her sisters. Some of them I can answer and others, I cannot. She is three years old and asking some very grown-up questions. She is three years old and knows that death means you don't get to see them again. I want to be here for her now. I want her to know that I am back and that I love her so very much. I want to reassure her that I am her Mommy and that I am capable.

I don't want to miss these moments with her when she changes daily. These moments are so fleeting and I know there will come a day when I miss all of this. Even the tantrums she throws over clothes. I want to give her a solid foundation and we believe it starts at home. We don't believe it is up to others to shape and give values to our children. If we don't do it, no one else will. I rarely give her a break and I never give myself a break where she is concerned. 

But my patience level is low. So very low. 

And I have to be honest, it is a little validating when I see the most patient man I have ever known, struggle with control over his patience when interacting with our daughter. It makes me feel like maybe, after all, I am not the only one.

Source: ohmyhandmade.com via Laura on Pinterest

Stephanie

NOW

I am an impatient person. It is one of the qualities about myself that I don't particularly care for.

I used to pray for patience. I stopped. I stopped because, well . . . there just became too many circumstances which required my patience. I didn't like it because it requires patience to tolerate the time and energy it takes to develop patience.

While I am doing one thing, my mind is on the next. I am always ten steps ahead of myself. I am not patient enough to just be in the moment.

I am either looking back or looking ahead. I am rarely ever looking at what is in front of me in the present moment.

I have been doing that a lot lately. I am either looking back to what was or I am looking forward to what will be. I don't want to open my eyes to the now. I don't want to be here! I don't want to be in the mist.

It is so very hot in the now. It is so very painful to be present in the now.

I want the healing to be over because the healing hurts. I want this grief process to be done quickly because I don't have the patience for it. I want it over. I want to be better. I don't like the rawness, the still weeping wounds.

I am trying to be grateful for all that I have and all that I have had.

The rawness of the pain has caused me to open the eye to see. I have noticed things that I never did before.

When I am in a moment with my daughter, I see how immersed in the present she is. I am delighted to see that joy in her. She is not thinking about what she was doing earlier, and how that was better or worse. She is not thinking about five minutes from now. She is just in the moment and she is enjoying it!

I try to meet her there. I try to be ever present in that moment with her and for her. I breathe in deep and give a thanks for just that moment because that is all I am able to give thanks for. Just that one singular moment . . . like she is doing. Even if she doesn't consciously give thanks with her mouth, she is giving thanks by being present in the moment and enjoying it. I think that is the best way to give thanks.

In giving thanks for a moment, I have become more in tune to everything. EVERY emotion that penetrates the heart and makes a demand to be noticed. Every emotion! The good, the hard, the ugly, the joy . . . all of it. So much more now then I did before.

By taking notice, I have realized how I cannot be impatient with the now. EVERYTHING is in the now. All of it!

God is the God of I AM! I don't think He dwells on what was, what should have been or what will come.

He is here, NOW! If I want to truly seek Him and find Him, then I need to be in the now.

If I search for His healing ways, for Him to wrap me in His arms of comfort, then I need to be patient enough to be in the now, to wait for Him. Because, that is the only place I will find Him and rest in His healing. His peace. His comfort.

I cannot expect the wounds to stop weeping if I am constantly looking beyond, but never giving them the care they need now. I cannot expect to fully experience the depths of joy, the grace of a moment, if I am constantly looking for what goodness I believe will come.

I need to learn from my daughter and just live in the moment I am living. To be grateful for it and enjoy it. And be thankful for it.

I have to be here. I am expected to be here. This moment, this now, is my now. It is where I am. It is where I breathe and where my blood circulates. I have to  notice it for what it is. The now is what I have, regardless of it being hard and ugly, it is what I have. It is all I have. It is where I have to live. It is where He is and where He offers grace. And where there is God and grace and mercy, there is beauty!




Stephanie