They say time heals all wounds.
I don't know who they are but they have never been more wrong.
Some moments . . . some days it is unfathomable to me that this hurt is with me until my last breath. I don't know how to do it.
In a world of contradictions, in a place where two opposing emotions dance together, it is okay.
Well, not okay but okay because there is no other word to describe that it isn't okay.
It is okay because there are two names I can speak of.
It is okay because I got to hold them.
It is okay because I got to kiss them.
It is okay because I live in a world where they once were instead of never at all.
It is okay but it's not.
It is okay because I don't know how else to answer when someone asks - truly asks - how I am doing.
It is okay because I don't know how else I'm supposed to feel. I am extremely blessed because I have two littles to care for here and I am extremely blessed because I got to hold them. But at the same time, I am extremely angry that all four of my babies are not here, right now. I am extremely angry that all I got were moments and not years.
And so, I am just okay because I don't know another word to describe it. I am just okay because I don't know how else to balance two opposing emotions . . . two opposing extremes.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
I thought and was lead to believe that those who gave in and gave up didn't stand a chance.
We weigh sins and then we place them in order from least to greatest. When in reality, they all weigh the same. All great. All small in comparison of this Gift of Love.
They may be great but grace is bigger.
I used to believe that giving in and giving up meant you didn't stand a chance.
And then it touched close. Someone who loved deep and whole, someone who loved The Love that gave it all, gave in.
My world shifted and I started seeing differently. My belief changing. Is grace and forgiveness like a gold ring - strong and endless? Immeasurable? One from which there is no beginning or end?
How can my small mind try to box that in? Define it with my vocabulary?
And then . . . it touched even closer. The giving in and giving up grew deep within. Uncontrollable. Without conscious thought.
Thoughts and visions seared sharp and I did not know from which it came.
The pain was too acute to even take in a deep breath. The pain was too black and I couldn't see. I wanted to give in and to give up.
That seemed more beautiful than the ugly that surrounded.
But that grace that I can't contain and I can't define, saved me. I don't know how and I don't know why, but it saved me . . . here.
I don't know how those that give in and give up don't stand a chance. I don't know how blind they were, how much they did and didn't feel all at the same time.
They stand the same chance that any of us stands.
Because the grace that can save here, can save there too, can't it? Who am I to pretend I know anything about grace but other than what I have received?
If grace and forgiveness are like a gold band then we don't know from which it starts or from which it ends, then how are we to know from how it covers?
Life can be messy and life may hurt and sins may reap many and great but grace is bigger.
Grace is greater.