I wanted to hold them close, sing them lullabies, tell them stories. I wanted to watch them grow. I would have taken such pleasure in it. I wanted to hear their squeals of enjoyment when they discovered the wonderment of mud. I wanted to hear their first words, be the knees they reached for when trying to pull themselves up. I wanted to watch with wonderment as their eyes closed with sleep, eyelashes fanned across cheeks.
I wanted to be an ear when they had stories to tell. To be a shoulder when their heart broke. Be the finger that wiped away their tears, their heartache.
I wanted to witness, to share their delight as their wedding day approached. I wanted to bask in the glow that only a bride emits. I wanted to hold my husbands hand after he proudly, lovingly and achingly for the years that went too fast, gave his precious Emmerson and Vivienne away.
I wanted to hang up the phone in excited fury after I heard the news their new baby was on their way. I wanted to witness my babies holding theirs.
I wanted to tell them about You. I wanted to tell them how David was mighty, how Moses parted the Red Sea, how Job suffered but still praised, how Noah obeyed while being laughed at. I wanted to tell them and demonstrate with my life to trust in the Promise of the Cross.
I wanted so much. I wanted them. I wanted the chance.
But, Lord, I know they live. I know that my stories would never compare to them hearing the stories first hand from David, Moses, Noah, Job and Christ Himself. I know this but I still wanted the chance.
I know they now live with You. I know they are living a beautiful, wonderful life they would never trade.
I don't need to tell them about You. They know more than I could ever dream.
But would you please, for me, tell them about me? Will you tell them how much I love them? How I can't wait to see and hold them again? Will you tell them how much I wanted them? Will you tell them what kind of Mommy I would have been to them? Please?
Will you please, keep the memory, the feel of my heartbeat alive with them? Because the memory, the feel of them is still alive with me.
And when I pass through Your gates and bow at your feet can they be there to greet me as well?