Tuesday, October 16, 2012

He Is Here!

Nathaniel Stephen
October 5, 2012 @ 2:39 pm
5 pounds 15 onces 
18 inches

He is here! There is no way I could have been prepared for the moment and the emotions.

So much of this pregnancy was consumed with grief and guilt. So much of this pregnancy was spent expecting the worse . . . believing I would come home from the hospital with empty, aching arms.

The last time those contractions brought forth life there was a stillness and a silence in the room. I didn't realize how much those moments affected me . . . haunted me. 

I didn't realize how much those moments caused me to fear the ones to come.

And then he was here. He was here, in that room that was quiet and he filled it with those precious cries of life. 

I fully expected to hear that deafening silence again. Those cries were a gift, a sweet salve to my heart. There was no question of when he entered the world. There was no question if he was alive or not. Those cries were a gift . . . 

He is here! And he is alive!

My heart split open. My heart, the one I thought was closed off to new love, split wide open. I finally let go of that breath I had been holding for 36 weeks and I fell in love.

He cried. He moved after he was placed on my chest. I looked up at my husband, disbelievingly proclaimed, "He's crying! He's alive!" And the tears flowed.

There are two worlds that can and do exist in the same room. I feared ever being able to feel that new love again after Emmy and Vivi. I feared I couldn't or wouldn't be able to. But then he arrived and cried and moved and my heart swelled with newness and love.

He is everything I never knew I wanted again. He hasn't taken their place (no one ever will) but he has shown me it's okay to be open to the new in life and new love. He has shown me that moving forward doesn't mean forgetting, it means living and loving life as you do. He hasn't healed me but he has taught me that there is still hope and beauty in the pain.


Monday, October 15, 2012

My Promise

Emmerson and Vivienne,

Today is a day where you are remembered. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. A day where women who have lost pregnancies, have given birth to sleeping babies and/or have had an infant die are acknowledged and remembered. One in four women will experience this kind of tragic hurt. 

I don't care so much if people remember me and my hurt. I don't want people to act as though this hurt isn't carried with me always but it is you . . . you are the ones I don't want people to forget or ignore or pretend never lived. 

It is you. 

It is you I speak for and love.

Because of you, I promise you, you will ALWAYS be remembered. You will be remembered with love and the sweet newness of your skin. I will remember the way you looked exactly the same, but the way that I knew, you were completely different. Completely and distinctly unique. 

I promise you, you will always be acknowledged. Your life, your death and what you meant and still mean to us will ALWAYS be acknowledged.

I promise you, you will always be counted. Because of you two, I now have four children. I have given life to four precious beings. I will always count you. You will always be my babies. You will always have a place in our family. 

I promise you that your sister and brother will know about you. Your sister already does. She has days when she tells me she wants you two to come visit and play with her. She doesn't fully understand . . . one day she will.  

I've already told your baby brother about you and I promise I will continue to do so. There will never not be a time when he doesn't know that he has three older sisters. 

I promise I will always speak your names. I will talk about you to complete strangers. I promise, even in the discomfort, that your names will be on my lips. I will always speak your names. 

I promise you that you are not taboo. You shouldn't be taboo to anyone. I promise that I will try to my dying day to make the life and death of you NOT taboo. 

You were here. You were alive. Your heart beat and your limbs moved. It shouldn't matter how small you both were. You were a person. Deafening silence shouldn't be met when I speak of you.

You were here. You were loved. You were wanted. A life is precious no matter how brief. Eyes refusing to meet shouldn't be met when I speak of the love that was shared.

It is just not today but everyday that I think of you . . . that I love you.

I promise, I will always speak of you. I will always remember you with deep love. 

"There is no footprint too small that cannot leave an imprint on this world."



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