Tuesday, October 16, 2012

He Is Here!

Nathaniel Stephen
October 5, 2012 @ 2:39 pm
5 pounds 15 onces 
18 inches

He is here! There is no way I could have been prepared for the moment and the emotions.

So much of this pregnancy was consumed with grief and guilt. So much of this pregnancy was spent expecting the worse . . . believing I would come home from the hospital with empty, aching arms.

The last time those contractions brought forth life there was a stillness and a silence in the room. I didn't realize how much those moments affected me . . . haunted me. 

I didn't realize how much those moments caused me to fear the ones to come.

And then he was here. He was here, in that room that was quiet and he filled it with those precious cries of life. 

I fully expected to hear that deafening silence again. Those cries were a gift, a sweet salve to my heart. There was no question of when he entered the world. There was no question if he was alive or not. Those cries were a gift . . . 

He is here! And he is alive!

My heart split open. My heart, the one I thought was closed off to new love, split wide open. I finally let go of that breath I had been holding for 36 weeks and I fell in love.

He cried. He moved after he was placed on my chest. I looked up at my husband, disbelievingly proclaimed, "He's crying! He's alive!" And the tears flowed.

There are two worlds that can and do exist in the same room. I feared ever being able to feel that new love again after Emmy and Vivi. I feared I couldn't or wouldn't be able to. But then he arrived and cried and moved and my heart swelled with newness and love.

He is everything I never knew I wanted again. He hasn't taken their place (no one ever will) but he has shown me it's okay to be open to the new in life and new love. He has shown me that moving forward doesn't mean forgetting, it means living and loving life as you do. He hasn't healed me but he has taught me that there is still hope and beauty in the pain.



  1. He's simply precious! Congratulations!

  2. What a blessing, congratulations! Wishing you many precious moments in the days ahead!

  3. Congratulations!!!!!!!!! Oh, this was such a good post to read, and he IS beautiful! xo

  4. Oh my goodness! How wonderful! Congratulations!!!!!! He is precious.

  5. Oh he is beautiful. Congrats Momma. I am so so so so so happy for all of you. My heart just overflows. Sorry, I haven't been around lately. Tune in on Tuesday and you'll have a better understanding! I cannot believe he has been here a month already! Congrats again. Loves!



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