Interrupted Plans

I don't know what it is. I don't know what triggers it. It frustrates me! I am a planner; a mega-planner. I have back up plans for my back up plans. So when it comes out of the blue and hits me, I fall to my knees.

Yesterday, My Love and I were at the gym...together. Working out...together. We have not worked out together since our first daughter was born two and a half years ago. It was so nice. I felt like it was a date.

We were lifting weights and My Love said something to me (I forget what it was) and I responded with, after all, I did just have twins. We were laughing and joking around with one another before I said it and continued to do so after. But those words still lingered. I thought to myself, I did just have twins and when I go to pick up my daughter from the gym's childcare, I will just be picking up her, not Emmerson and Vivienne. I just had twins and they are not with me. They are not here.

A little while later, while we were still working out, I overhead a man saying something about his baby. Baby. I had two. When I go home, they will not be there. As we did our cool down, the sadness, the reality, weighed down on me. They are not here.

I stopped. My Love asked what was wrong. I did not respond. He took one look at my eyes (as he is accustomed to doing now when there has been a drastic change in my demeanor) and gave me a knowing look.

We get home and I retreat to my hideout - under the covers in my bed.

This morning upon rising, the lingering sadness is still there. I am trying so hard to just be normal. It consumes a surprising amount of energy.

My daughter has a fever and she is out of character for herself. She climbs up on my lap and she is still. She is never not moving. She is constantly on the go, constantly jumping and running. She does not know any other way to get from Point A to Point B.

She has climbed up on my lap and she is still. She cuddles with me and I relish it. She is never still long enough to cuddle and I can not remember the last time I have cuddled with her. Without trying, I remember back to when she was an infant and I cuddled with her all the time. I remember back to when I was pregnant with her and a smile grows on my face. Without warning, memories of my pregnancy with Emmerson and Vivienne hit me and I smile more and then I grow sad. They are not here. 

The sadness soaks in more. It takes more energy to just be normal. I am so weighed down that it begins to feel as if I am moving under water. I am so weighed down that a film covers my eyes and I can not see all that I have been blessed with.

I hurt. I ache.

It comes out of nowhere. It always takes me by surprise. I don't plan for the grief to overcome me and when it does, I do not know what to do with it.

Just when I think I am making some progress, I have set backs. When I am making progress, I fall back to what comes as second nature to me...planning. The grief comes and the plans stop. The day, the moment, stops and it stretches out to forever. It frightens me to see that as my life. I do not want it. I did not ask for this. I did not plan for this. I do not have a back up plan for this grief, for this new reality.

It is gloomy and raining on this October Day. I feel as if my heart, me, is gloomy and raining and I am having such a hard time seeing it as good. Seeing it as blessing.

I want them here with me. I want my arms to be full with the weight of them. I miss them so.

I miss and I ache so much for them. The grief has come and I am having a hard time being present.

I ask and beg of prayers from you today.

Stephanie

Promise Made

I see a husband and wife fresh and new on this journey of life together. I smile and wish them well. I smile and say a prayer that sorrow will not step into that life. I hope and pray that their worst day, their day of ugly is the day they said I Do. I hope nothing but beauty and good lies before them.

I see a newly married couple and I think of the day I glowed with love for My Love. I smile and think, what a wonderful day that was! I really believed that our life would appear as I had always dreamed: Love, Home, Laughter over dinner, Arms wrapped around in comfort, Cries and Coos of babies, Pitter-Patter of little feet, Those same little feet knowing of the love of child, Silver hair rocking on the front porch staring in awe at the sunset.

I had always wanted to be a wife, to be a mother. I wanted the simple but the grand. I wanted a simple life with My Love that held my dreams. I wanted the simple life but the grandest of loves.

My life has held those things, those desires and dreams but also has held hurt and sorrow and nightmares.

When I Do is sung on the lips of two promising forever, the breath that gives voice sound is the dream of good.

The promise of forever is framed with a smile and is swollen with love. The promise is made with the dreams and hopes of beauty and laughter.

But this is life. The weeping is as much apart of life as is the dancing.

When the music fades and the dance ceases, what is left?

Isn't that what the promise if for?

The promise of forever is to hold it all. It is there to wrap one up in love, in the certainity that you are not alone when the lights dim, the sparkles are gone and the music is dead. It is there to double the laughter, brighten the smiles, and to hold the hand, the eyes in a sweet dance.

A few days after goodbye was spoken through tears, I laid curled up in My Loves arms and together we cried. I was overwhelmed with my love for him. I was overwhelmed with sorrow and regret. I regretted that he had to feel this hurt. That My Love was now a man that lost two pieces of his heart.

I looked up at him through a sea of tears and told him how sorry I was for his pain. That I hated seeing him hurt like he was and still is. I whispered to him through choked breath how thankful I was that I had him to walk this road with me. How blessed I am that he is still here to hold my hand.

I understand the beauty of the promise now. After eleven years, I understand. The promise is not for life to always glow in beauty, but to be that sliver of light, of forever, when life grows dark and ugly.

The promise is to grow in beauty, together, through it all.

That is what the promise is for.

And that is what The Promise is for...

Through it all, the weeping, the dancing, the laughter, the tears, He will hold us.

Stephanie

Awareness

It seems that every month is an awareness month for something. There is absolutely no way one person could remember all the causes that each month holds.

I feel that it is common knowledge that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I am so happy for all efforts that are made to wipe out Breast Cancer. That is very close and dear to my heart because my Mother is a Breast Cancer SURVIVOR!!!

October is also a month that slows down to remember those babies lost during pregnancy or in infancy. I remember mine everyday. I also think of all those mothers who have gone before me and will come after me in this unimaginable journey.

Here is a site from a mother who lost and through that loss has done some amazing things. She started an online card store to help those who have also lost and for those who are close to the ones who have suffered the loss of their baby. She gives beautiful words for the ones who do not know what to say.

If you have suffered the unthinkable, the seemingly unnatural, or you are one who is walking with the one who suffers, please take pause to stroll through her store.

There are blessings everywhere!

Stephanie

Breaking of Whole

Communion is the consuming of that which has been broken and spilled.

I have been broken. But haven't we all?

Where a crack is present, it is more susceptible to break, shatter.

I break when I hear of heartache.

I break when I see one has become broken.

I can not do the mending. It was never intended for me to do.

I break and when I break, the pieces and holes are seen by the One Who Matters. The Mender. Let Him fill them. He can and will make it whole.

When Communion is received, it is drops and pieces that are consumed.

Makes me wonder. Makes me ponder.

Does He still choose to break that which He desires to be made whole?

During the Last Supper, Jesus took bread, gave thanks, and broke it. After he broke bread, He told His disciples to take it, that it is His body (Mark 14:22).

He gave thanks and broke the bread, in demonstration of what was to come.

He knew what He was about to endure and yet, He still gave thanks. He knew the reason and purpose for it all.

Later He went to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray (Mark 14:32) and while praying He asked His Father to take the cup that would soon press His lips (Mark 14:36).

He didn't like the breaking any more than I have. He asked His Father to take it from Him. Even though He gave thanks for it, the cup, He still asked for it to be removed. Could He have been more human in that moment?

He was able to foreknow that which was going to be broken. Him! He was still able to give thanks! He gave thanks for the breaking and the spilling, knowing greater glory would reap.

The glory causes me to think of Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God? (John 11:40)

If we believe, we will see glory. We were not promised that we would never see broken pieces, experience brokenness.

When Jesus told Mary and Martha that they would see, experience glory if they believed, did He know that He Himself would be the way of belief of True Glory?

Jesus had to endure breaking for that which was already broken. Crimson red spilled for the bitter tears that fall when something breaks.

God chose the breaking to be the vehicle for the fixing. Fixing, mending, filling in the holes of which was initially intended to always be whole.

Communion is a time to be spent reflecting on the blood that was spilled and the blood that covers. Do we realize that what is consumed is what was Broken for the broken? We consume fragments to mend whole?

Makes me wonder, makes me ponder.

Does God still choose to break that which He desires to be made whole?

Stephanie