But there also lies hope in the pain. Smiles in the tears.
Grief . . . it just sucks! It is just plain shitty! Sorry, but there really are not enough words to explain how awful it is.
We got dealt a crap hand. We really did. And it just didn't stop with our babies dying. This past year has been one blow after the other. I am starting to wonder if we will ever be able to pick ourselves up off the floor and stand on our own two feet again.
But I refuse to let this stop us from enjoying what we have. I refuse to stop trying to get up off that dirty floor.
Grief sucks but you still have to move forward. And in the moving forward you start to notice small little glimmers and then cracks where light is trying to creap in and then you see windows in the darkness that are filled with nothing but the sun.
There is a beautiful side to grief.
It is knowing and feeling that Heaven is real. It is knowing and feeling that it is very close. Heaven has never felt more real to me than it does now.
It is feeling a renewed purpose to living this life. It is knowing that the purpose is so much bigger than you.
It is realizing that everything is a gift. Every moment. Every event. Every situation. It is all gift. Because it is all from Him.
My girls are a gift. I would not trade all this suffering for the gift of them. I have been blessed. Some people live their whole lives never knowing or experiencing the kind of love I have for Emmerson and Vivienne. I would not trade that.
When it comes to love, we gamble big. The stakes are always high but always worth it!
The beautiful side of it is knowing and treasuring all the smaller things that I missed before that are now, and always were, so huge and important.
The beautiful side of grief is knowing my Saviour and trusting Him like I never did before.
It's knowing there is so much more to this life than big houses, nice cars, and all those material things I wanted to possess before.
It is knowing and resting in the knowledge that my girls are safe. They are happy. It is knowing that I will see them again and I will know them and love them just the same.
It is knowing that there is a purpose in the pain and beauty in the broken.