Monday, April 30, 2012

I Miss You . . .

Ten months ago today, I held you both. I breathed you in and held my breath . . . hoping you would always stay with me.

It was a rough night last night. I laid in my bed and sobbed well past three am.

Your Aunt and her best friend who is like a sister to me went to your grave yesterday. I haven't even been but others go. I am so grateful for that. They left gifts for you. They left you tulips and flowers and butterflies that soak up the sunlight and continue to glow in the dark. Your cousin left you a butterfly as well.

I am so grateful others go.

When I heard about the flowers and butterfly that glow in the dark, I thought, what a beautiful night light for you.

I want you here. I wanted so much more than the moments I did get with you.

While I was in the hospital, I never received the paper work needed for the one birth certificate. I finally inquired about that a couple of weeks ago. It set me back so I never contacted the person I needed to.

I did today.

I filled it out over the phone.

I spoke both of your names and I heard them on a strangers lips. It was such a sweet sound.

I spoke of your birthday.

I then had to talk with another in regards to your death certificates.

Again I spoke your names and again, I heard them on a strangers lips. It was such a sweet sound. It was so sweet to hear another say your names. They acknowledged you! Do you know what that means to a mommy who can no longer hold her babies?

I will be receiving one birth certificate and two death certificates. Why can't it just be two birth certificates? I don't want to hold my babies death certificates in my hands! It's unnatural!

But I want them. I need them. I don't have much. I need them because it's another link to you.

It's been ten months! Can you believe it? The memories are still so fresh and yet it feels like eternity since I last held you. And it feels like eternity until I get to hold you again.

Ten months! You two would be crawling around, never allowing me a moment of rest. You would be drooling and putting everything in your mouth. Would you, every time you saw me, crawl over to me and try to pull yourself up to my knees in the hopes that I would hold you? I would you know? I would hold you. Oh, how I would hold you!

Ten months! I would have a freezer of homemade baby food for you. I would clean your faces off after more of your food wound up on your face and hands and in your hair then in your bellies. Would you be blowing zerberts back at me every time you got a fresh spoonful of food?

Ten months! I would see how you two had your own language. I would hear your babbles. What would your first words be? Would it be Ma-ma or Da-da or would you try to say your older sisters name?

Would you giggle together? Would you try to keep up with your older sister or would you two be wrapped up in your own little world, leaving Alexandria out?

Ten months has passed. Ten months! We are just two months away from your first Birthday. Do you know that I would be planning everything now? You would each have your own cake. You would each have your own presents.

Ten months absent of memories made of you.

I miss you, Emmerson and Vivienne! And I love you so!



  1. you know something that i keep thinking everytime that i read your posts? it's so unfair that you don't have them...but it's so heavenly that they have each other! never separated from one another, from the moment of conception and for all eternity, they'll be together. they'll watch you and their sister and their father and they'll be waiting for you. oh, the conversations you'll have someday!

    1. When I want to consume myself with the unfairness of it all, I remind myself of that beautiful fact. It is hard but also so refreshing.



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