The Ordinary

The sun rises and shines through windows, filling up the space that just moments before was occupied by the dark.

Another day begins.

Feet pat on the floor, down the stairs. Hands in soapy water scrubbing crumbs of what was eaten. Woven fabric flipping and flopping in suds, socks paired, shirts on hangers, pants folded, drawers and closets filled with the fresh and clean.

Big hands cleaning small hands who spent the day in wonderment, experiencing new.  Little girl folded in warm comfort, folded in love. Kiss the eyes which will soon be seeing in her dreams.

Tuck self into sheets to rest so all can be done again. All that seems mundane and old, again tomorrow, a new day. A new day to do what is old.

As eyes drift close with the promise of sleep, the self wonders, what is all this for? The purpose?

What happened to the dreams of big? Of travel? Of wonder?

Out of the folds of mind and murky dark of half sleep, the word, This, is whispered in the ear.

This what?

This is the dream. This is the purpose.

Your dream, your first dream, has always been of love. Have you forgotten my love?

You wanted, desired, to love.

Love is the purpose. So do it well. Love well.

That is the purpose. It is the greatest.

It is the dream lived where sometimes it lies in forget and lost appreciation.

But the extraordinary lies in the ordinary, the mundane. Open the eye, mind, heart and see it, feel it, know it, remember it. Know it is your dream and be thankful.

Love and do it well.

And  now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

Stephanie

What is Faith?

I was always one to remain quiet about my faith. Thinking it was something personal. It was only meant to be personal and believing it was just between God and I.

It is not.

I am His.

Faith is designed to be shared.

I am His and woven into the fibers of creation is to bring glory to the One who created.

Some have wondered. Some have questioned. How can you praise when He allowed sorrow to take place?

How can I not?

How can I believe, know, my sweet babies are in the presence of Christ but not believe IN Christ? Son of God? Saviour?

They are not seperate.

How can I rave and dream and hope of the beauty of Heaven but ignore the One who created it all?

I can not.

I will not.

No matter what this life brings, He is the One.

He is the Reason.

He is the One who deserves praise. Always.

Stephanie

What I Tried to Say

Do you ever have moments where you have just heard someone speak or read something and then declared, That is exactly what I was thinking! or That is what I was trying to say!


You are so excited in your declarations because you are surprised by the reality that someone else has the same emotions as you? Or you are elated because someone was able to express what is tangled in you?

I just had one of those moments.

After I hit the button to publish my previous post, I hopped over to (in)courage to read some of their latest articles.

I came across a post by Sarah Markley. She was able to express what I was trying to type in my last post.

Jump on over and read it.

Stephanie

Words

Do you remember when you were younger and your mom would say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?

I do. I have changed it up a bit though to fit my current circumstance. Many people have said things to me, meaning well, but really come across insensitive, uncaring and rude. I know their intentions are good and that they are trying. I am thankful and grateful for their kind spirit, even when the words are wrong and wound.

How would I change that saying made famous by mothers everywhere?

If you don't know what to say, how to comfort with words, don't say anything at all. 

I know people have meant well. I know they are trying to help heal with their words.

Sometimes their words wound more than they help.

I have had some pretty awful things said to me.

Here are some things I have heard on a regular basis.

• You can always have another baby.
• Be thankful you did not get to take them home with you.
• They probably would have been sick so they are better off in heaven.

Let me assure you, those words do not comfort. They hurt. They diminish my loss. They diminish the lives of my sweet girls.

I pray that we will be able to have more children. If we are blessed with more, those future lives will NEVER replace Emmerson and Vivienne. They were unique, loved individuals and nothing and no one will ever replace them.

I do not understand how and why people will say to someone who has just lost a baby or a pregnancy, You can always have more children. That is never uttered to a mother who has lost a five year old or a twenty-three year old child. Why? Why then is it spoken to a mother who has suffered a loss before there was a chance to live? Babies are people. They are wanted and loved.

It is human nature to want more. I would have loved to have had the chance to take them home. Create more memories. Had more time with them. More time to kiss, to hug, to love.

It has been said that my loss would have been greater if I would have brought them home. I don't know that. I know I would have had more memories of them. Some of my wonderings about them would have been answered. The question marks sometimes hurt more.

Loss is what it is. The words breathed intended for comfort doesn't make the love less. My loss is neither less or more than someone who lived more of life with their child. My love for them is not less or more based on the time spent.

It is quite simply, uniquely, and intricately, love.

Here are the things that wrap my heart up in a blanket with comfort.

• Call anytime, day or night. I am always available to listen.
• After I have cried and poured my grief out through words,  there are no words. I don't know what to say.
• I would love to hear about Emmerson and Vivienne. 

When someone has acknowledged my loss, they first acknowledged that I loved.

It is this Mother's love that makes the heart weep.

Stephanie