Friday, December 9, 2011

The First Without

To be honest, I have been dreading this month. Four and half months ago, I thought about this current time and my wish was to be in a deep coma.

That wish has not come true. To add to that, I cannot find anyone willing to knock me out during this holiday season so I won't have to live it.

I don't want to experience this first holiday season without my twins. I thought I would have two more stockings to fill and two more precious girls to buy for.

So, I hope you will excuse me if I don't want to "do" Christmas this year.

This is not me. Not at all. I am one of those annoying people who start listening to Christmas music in October and have all of my Christmas decorations out and up before the food for Thanksgiving has even been bought.

My house is decorated from ceiling to floor and not a spare inch spared from anything Christmas.

I tend to go a little crazy. I have always loved Christmas and everything it entails. I love Christmas shopping, Christmas music, Christmas trees (I pretty much have enough Christmas trees to put in each room), and at this time in the year, my family and I are eating off Christmas dishes.

I told you I tend to go a little crazy.

This year . . . is hard. My husband is downstairs right now putting up the Christmas tree. Just a little over two weeks until the 25th is upon us and we (I mean, my husband) is just now putting it up. I don't want any part of it.

We usually do all of this together. And you guessed it, with Christmas music playing in the background and some peppermint hot chocolate steaming in our Christmas mugs. It is an event!

I don't want to this year. My sweet husband has been wonderful. He has not pushed anything on me. He has not mentioned, not once, any of our traditions.

He did tell me the other day that we will put up the Christmas tree. JUST the Christmas tree.

And a moment ago he made a request that he would like all of us (the three of us, not five) to put the ornaments on together.

I said I would.

The tree, in relative comparison, is going to resemble Charlie Brown's. Just the basics are going to adorn it this year. It will not be covered in its usual splendor.

I said I would join in adorning the tree with our ornaments. It is going to be difficult but I said I would. I am doing this for my daughter. For two weeks now, she has told me that she "wants Christmas in her house".

For her, I am going through the motions without any of my usual excited Christmas emotions. I hope she doesn't realize what is missing in her mommy this year.

I hope the Lord continues to protect her. I hope none of her child-like innocence has been stolen.

I hope that this is part of the grieving process for me. I hope next year, a part of my old self has returned. I know I will never be the same "whole" me that I was before but I do hope that old "pieces" of who I used to be, returns.

I have realized that the Firsts in life are either celebrated or difficult. Six months ago, I thought we would be celebrating Emmy and Vivi's First Christmas. It will be celebrated, for they are experiencing their First Christmas, just not with me, and that is difficult.



  1. The first Christmas after the death of my twin was extremely difficult. I have managed to decorate since then with some of her favourite decorations but decorating and celebrating has certainly changed. I have many Christmas CDs that we used to listen to and I am still finding it difficult to play them. Luckily I hear many carols on the radio. Certain experiences in life can surely change our lives. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  2. I'm so proud of you...and so are your girls (all three of them).

  3. I know exactly how you feel. Last Christmas was my "first Christmas" and it was hard as heck to even want to wake up in the morning much less decorate and celebrate the birth of baby Jesus. (I was seriously jealous of Mary and Joseph... crazy huh?) I barely got my act together for my 8 year old so he wouldn't be even more sad.

    Prayers for you guys this season. Only do what you can or feel like doing. So many friends and relative won't understand and will try to push you into soo many things. Ignore them all.

    Lots of love xoxox

  4. I get it. I totally get it. I was so excited for Christmas. Everything about it was wrapped up in Aidan. Now everything about it just hurts. Know that someone hundreds miles away gets it. Even if those in the same room don't.

  5. I feel for you. I may be having a nervous break down inside, but have a fake smile on the outside. I've been craving my girls touch so bad lately. It's like my body aches in pain out of wanting to feel them. This month isn't only the holiday for me, this is the month I found out I was having twins as well as being diagnosed with TTTS. Every memory from last year is pouring into me and it's very overwhelming. Anyways all I'm trying to say is you are not alone.



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