Friday, December 2, 2011

Who's Tired?

It's another Friday with Gypsy Mama. So that means it is time to stop, sit and pound the keys for five minutes.

I'm going to pound away on the topic of being tired.

And Go . . .

I think every mom knows a thing or two about being tired. I am tired all the time. After I had my first daughter, I suffered from insomnia. Seriously. When I would mention how tired I was, people, especially women, would give me a look and nod their heads.

No! I wanted to scream. I'm not tired just because I have a new baby! I'm tired because I. CAN'T. SLEEP! I would watch the sun rise, nod off for an hour or two and then wake back up. 

The bed became my enemy. I dreaded the hour in the day when most "normal" people would go to bed and take sleep for granted.

The insomnia lasted until my daughter was almost a year old. 

Just around the time I started sleeping well again, I got pregnant a second time and all those trips to the bathroom interrupted every hour of sleep.

I didn't remember getting up THAT MUCH when I was pregnant with my first one.

A few weeks later, I understood why I was getting up more. I had more weight on my bladder. TWINS!!

I was tired all the time! When I was pregnant with the first, I was narcoleptic. The pregnancy with the twins, I was even more tired but I couldn't sleep. Trust me, I wanted to sleep, but sleep wanted nothing to do with me.

I am tired all the time now. Not because I have two more babies to take care of. I would love for that to be the case. Absolutely LOVE to be tired because of two precious girls.

I have to take a sleep aid in order to sleep. Right after I lost Emmerson and Vivienne, a sleep aid wouldn't even allow sweet sleep to come. 

It comes now, I just need help in getting there. 

I am tired but I still fear going to sleep. Right after my great loss, that is when the nightmares came. So, I am still scared to nod off. Even though I want sweet dreams to take over and take me away to another world for a brief moment, I still fear it. I am still so tired. 

It's a tired I have never known and hope to never know again. It's a tired caused by grief and a weary soul.

And stop!



  1. i'm so sorry for your loss. my heart goes out to you. you provided a whole new perspective on tired - thank you for sharing it.

  2. Ohhh, dear sweet one . . . I so understand . . . I've had three miscarried babies, a stillborn daughter at 36 weeks and lost a 16 year old son. I HATED NIGHTS. I hated trying to go to sleep, knowing what was last on my mind and first on my mind - that deep deep grief. And I am so sorry.

    But I will tell you, JOY will come again. The night may be long, but the morning will come. You may feel guilty at first, but our little ones are safe and enjoying Jesus. It's us left behind that hurt so so much. Someday our tears will be forever wiped away.

    I pray that you will sense God's peace in your heart, and slowly the new "normal" will come. Though you will always miss - those dreams that we dreamed that never happened - but we can still have JOY! May God give you REST in your tired heart and soul.

  3. This post touched me right to my core, because I've been fighting sleep for over a year now to avoid those same grief-nightmares, in my case, for my parents. I have one little girl, and ache at the very thought of any mother losing a child. Thank you for reminding me tonight that I'm not the only person who is grieving in the world. I am so, so sorry for your loss, and I will be praying so hard for you, Stephanie. May choirs of angels sing you to your rest tonight.

  4. Wow, Stephanie, I remember the nights after my daughter Beatrice died (it was 1996, and I still remember it like it was yesterday)- I tried to explain to people that I was terrified of bedtime because everything about it felt wrong. I was exhausted but sleep would not cooperate.

    I am sad that you are walking through that painful, insomniac valley, and I am praying with faith that you will make it to the other side as I eventually did. Hang in there!

    Thanks for posting!

  5. Thank you everyone for sweet words of comfort. I am so sorry to those of you who know the grief and the level of sleep (or lack there of) it causes. Peace and prayers to all of you.

  6. Hi Stephanie, I just came over from Small Bird Studios and checked out your blog.It's just beautiful! I read the story of your girls and I'm just sitting here sobbing for you. I'm a fellow baby loss mom of a little girl and know how horrible it was to loose one much less two like you. My thoughts and prayers are with you!


  7. Reading you is always a beautiful moment to share. The pain finds its way through your words, I can feel it when I don't know it.
    I will appreciate my sleep better, now that I know it is something you are sadly deprived off. We don't realize how important it is when all goes well.
    Keeping you in my prayers, may you find soon rest in the night and may your two angels protect your sleep.



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