Monday, December 12, 2011

In the Dark, There is Light

The other day, my husband and I were driving to pick up our daughter from pre-school.

The sky behind us was clear. The sky ahead of us . . . dark and blanketed with clouds.

For months now, I have been praying for pleasant, peaceful dreams. For dreams where I hold my Emmy and Vivi again.

They have not come.

Instead, I have nightmares. I have had dreams where I am surrounded by dying babies. I am pregnant but without the promise of life. I give birth time and time again but there is no baby to hold. I have even had multiple dreams where Emmerson and Vivienne have accused me of killing them. Of not doing everything I could to save them.

I just want a peaceful rest. I just want to know that I can close my eyes and see them, feel them, hold them once more.

I want something to rest peacefully and beautifully on my soul.

We are driving toward a dark sky. I look behind me, in confusion, because I cannot remember the sky looking that dark when we left our home.

Sure enough, the sky behind us is clear and beautiful.

I turn back around in my seat. I sigh a satisfied sigh. The dark sky is fitting. At least something agrees with me that not everything twinkles like the Christmas lights. I give that sigh and sink into my seat. The weight of grief and sadness and missing has been wanting to settle in for that long winters nap. I have been fighting it. I am already enough of a scrooge this season, I don't need that weight to compound it.

I sigh and I look up and over to the South. What I see takes my breath away and causes me to smile.

Truly smile! From the inside out.

I tell my husband to pull over. I need to really see this. I need to not be moving. I need to be still and witness this.

In the mist of the clouds is a small hole where light is shining through. And I see four tiny hands pulling apart the clouds and letting their smiles shine. Twinkle.

It is Emmerson and Vivienne. From the depths of my soul, from everything I trust to be true, I know it is them.

It is them and they are telling me hello. They are letting me know that they are good and well. They are letting me know that even though it is dark now, it won't always be. They are letting me know that they love me.

They are letting me know that Light will always find a way through. 

They found a way to speak to their mothers heart. And I smile. From the inside out.

I tell them, with a smile and a whispered thanks, "I love you both, so deeply".



  1. isn't it beautiful when there is a sign that there is still hope? what a beautiful way for them to say..."hi mommy!" :)

  2. What an awesome post today! Prayers for your heart...


  3. Every time I read you Stephanie, every time I feel something deep down. Your moving words are always full of grace and despite the pain there is always light and hope.
    I love the way you see your two angels opening the sky and saying to you don't worry better days will come, we are here whatever.
    May you find peace in the nights and days, may your rest and let the time heal your pain.
    Take care



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