Friday, March 2, 2012

Ache

It's time. It's time to write for just five minutes. One topic. No proof-reading, no editing, just writing.

When I saw what the topic was this Friday, I gave a smirk and thought, nope. Not going to write about that. Nope, so I clicked on to another site and finished what I needed to do on my computer.

Nope, because people are probably getting sick of me writing about grief . . . ache. It's been my life for the last eight months and I am just now starting to feel like I can write about other things than hurting. And the other reason I shook my head no was because, really, I could write a book about aching so how could I possibly condense this into five minutes?

Ache

That word, that emotion, that hurt . . . it is not foreign to me anymore. But, was it ever really foreign to begin with?

I ache in new ways. I ache in old ways. I hurt deep. I hurt wide. I cry rivers. I sob loudly.

I sob, I hurt, I ache because I have lost.

I sob, I hurt, I ache because I first loved.

What's that saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"?

How true! And to think all those years ago in high school, I thought the love they were referencing was about a boy.

See, I hurt and I ache, probably for the rest of my days because how does a mother who has buried two of her children never not ache? Pieces of myself gone . . . forever. But, I couldn't have this profound hurt if I first didn't love deeply.

And I will never apologize for loving.

But here is an ache too. Watching your children grow up.

That is a completely different ache. It's one of those heart-swelling aches.


To watch my daughter play, eat, sleep . . . brings me joy but an ache always accompanies it. Because wasn't she, just a day ago, that tiny newborn who left her footprints on my newly soft, still swollen belly? Wasn't she, just a week ago, learning to crawl? Wasn't she, not that long ago, trying to figure out how to move those delicious lips of hers to form the word "mommy"?

In a months time, she will be blowing out three candles. Three!

Those candles that she will blow out will remind me of the days that have already blown past, and the days to come that will fly by.

My throat will be thick with tears because as any mommy knows, those birthdays are all so bitter sweet.

I will have that heart-swelling ache on her birthday because of the blessing that is. And I will have that all too familiar ache for those moments I will never have with my precious Emmy and Vivi.

I ache because I live . . . because I love.












Stephanie

12 comments:

  1. Oh...I am aching along with you...for your losses...for your joys...and for how they remind me of my own...

    Thank you for the REAL...here.

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  2. This was beautiful. Mama's know the word ache, don't we? Whether in our losses, or our joys, there is always that ache of love there also.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! I too, am sorry for your loss.

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  3. Even in your ache, I hear your hope. What a wonderful thing to offer: your heart and hope. Even when it aches.

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  4. Ohhh, you can feel your ache. Yes, yes, and the picture? Now, that one makes my womb ache.

    Glad I clicked over from FMF.

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  5. A beautiful post. I can't imagine how you have been feeling over the last several months, but it is good to hear that you feel like you can write about different things. And to see that you are keeping your faith thru it all. You are an inspiration to me.

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    1. Thank you! I am truly humbled by that.

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  6. I don't think you should ever apologize or stop writing about your loss. As long as it is healing for you then writing is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing. I understand your ache all too well and know that it is one that never goes away. I ache for a baby that never took a breath, a baby that I never even held but in my heart, none of that matters. She was mine. Hugs to you as you move forward.

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    1. And hugs to you! I am so sorry you know what this is like.

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  7. Aching along with you....I loved this line: "I ache because I live . . . because I love."

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  8. Ah... I had to pause as this went down deep... in your beautiful writing you share so gracefully... my heat aches for yours in your loss... your testimony of love and faith reminds me to be grateful for my gifts...

    Thank you for sharing something so tender... blessings to you...

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    Replies
    1. You just gave me the biggest thanks . . . being grateful for your gifts . . . for all of those moments in our lives.

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