I am a member of a club I never filled out an application for or asked to join. And yet . . . here I am.
Everyday I hear of another or directly from another Baby Loss Mama and I wonder, how did I never not know of even two before Emmerson and Vivienne? Now, it feels as if there are more moms and dads out there that have buried a child than there are not.
I get it. My eyes are open now.
I really need you to hear me when I say this. I don't want to pitied. I don't.
I would still appreciate grace and compassion extended to me. I need that grace when those days still dare to suffocate. When that grave haunts me so much that I can't look beyond the grey clouds and see the promise of it all.
I want compassion when I am standing in the middle of a Target aisle, forgetting completely why I am there and just sobbing. Sobbing because the weight of their death has hit me so hard, so unexpectedly, once again.
I don't want to be pitied. I really don't.
I don't want to be pitied because I don't want my love for them to be pitied. I first loved them deeply. I loved them before I grieved them.
This love I have for them is great.
I don't want to be pitied because I have hope of seeing them again. Because even though I hurt, I know they are living so fully now. I know they wouldn't trade what they have for what could have been.
That was never an option. That was never a part of His grand plan.
It's taken me a long time to get to this place, and to be honest, I don't think I am completely there yet, but I am accepting the fact that Emmerson and Vivienne were never going to go home with us.
They were always meant to be here for just awhile. And during that time, they touched me greatly and I loved them with all that I had.
So did their daddy.
We still do. You can't quit a love like this.
And while I will always wonder what their voices would have sounded like, how our family would have looked and interacted with them being a physical part of it, I know they are complete and happy.
I know they are beautiful and my love for them is beautiful.
I am so thankful that I got to hold them and kiss them and swaddle them in blankets and in love.
I am so thankful that I got to hold Emmerson while she was still alive. I am so grateful that I got to be the one to offer her that last bit of earthly comfort has she passed from my arms to the arms of her Savior.
I am thankful that I got to see Vivienne's heartbeat one last time and got to witness her stretching those beautiful limbs of hers.
I am so thankful that they were perfectly formed. They were wonderfully beautiful.
I am so thankful that I got to carry them and experience them. I am so thankful that God chose me to be their mommy.
My blessings are beautiful.
My hope in it all is beautiful. I don't want my love and my hope and my girls to be pitied. Because of it all, I love them and I grieve them and because of it all, it is all beautiful.
This is what was always meant to be . . .