It's been a busy time. It's that time of year. I have been busy and distracted but still, those memories and wonderings have surfaced. Exposing that raw pain.
I don't know what it is that has caused these emotions, memories and wonderings to rise to the top.
Maybe it's that this time last year, the reality was truly settling in. I stopped believing there was a way to turn back the clock and undo what had been done.
Maybe it's that I have been feeling them near me so much.
Maybe it's that my husband and I shared our story last Sunday at church. All those precious, terrifying moments relived.
Maybe it's that now, Emmerson and Vivienne would be walking and talking. I watch Alexandria play by herself and I wonder how the three of them would interact together. They would have arguments but they would also keep each other company.
I wonder what my family of five would look like living the daily life.
Maybe it's that I have had a few dreams about Emmerson and Vivienne and in those dreams I got to spend a few more moments with them but they always end with me telling them it's okay to go. That we love them immensely and we will miss them just as much but that it's okay.
And maybe it's just how this grief thing works. Coming and going, never knowing when it is going to sit with me awhile, exposing that raw pain.
I find that I have several moments throughout the day when I feel like I am suffocating. Finding it hard to breathe because the pain is just too heavy. I want to scream that I miss them when I am in public. I find that I am suppressing an overwhelming urge to cry. I want to grab the nearest stranger and inform them that my family is not complete. There are two precious girls not with me.
I. WANT. THEM. BACK!
And I wonder, why do some babies live and some babies die? Why are there arms left heavy and empty? How does God choose which babies get to go home with their parents and which ones will take their last breath in their mommies arms?
How does He choose? Can some one explain this to me?
I miss them! I want them back! I've already missed their first year of life, now I am missing the stage of wonderment and discovery.
I want them back.