This is such a strange time, such a strange place for me to be. By nature I am a planner. I am a doer. I get things done.
I have less than nine weeks until my due date arrives and I have done nothing to anticipate his arrival.
Okay, that's a lie. I have relocated some pink blankets. And I just recently (and by that I mean with in the last couple of days) started looking at some things I could use to decorate his room. Last week, I started making him a quilt.
All of those things have been done in a cloud of fear. I get all anxious knowing I need to prepare but then I become paralyzed.
That whisper of what if sings in my ear. Resonates throughout every cell.
I am holding my breath. I have a sigh I long to release.
I just can't yet. It's not time.
I have less than nine weeks until his arrival and I have just now started to feel those little sparks that some identify as excitement. He kicks or jabs and I smile.
I can't do this.
I have spent the last seven and a half months guarding and protecting myself.
I can't get excited because what if?
I long to release this sigh. I crave to exhale.
But I am so scared.
I have scars that run deep. I have scars that hurt everyday. I don't want more.
Little Man gets the hiccups and I catch myself wondering if he will have those after birth as well. He kicks and I smile. Without trying I wonder what he will look like, who he will be.
I long to hold him. I long to hold them. I long to know who they would have been. And everything gets tangled.
I am anxious to know what his arrival will mean. I need to know.
I don't know if I can continue to wonder and anticipate if the ending will be one that results in ragged scars. If it will result in more lines on face etched by tears.
I don't know how you balance guarding your heart and falling in love at the same time.
I don't know if this tangled mess of my emotions will result in damage I cannot undo.
I don't know how to do any of this.
How do I fully submerge into this moment, in this blessing when I still ache to be in the moments that came before? How do I embrace the wondering and longing when there is so much of me still longing for what I so desperately miss?