Thursday, August 23, 2012


This is such a strange time, such a strange place for me to be. By nature I am a planner. I am a doer. I get things done.

I have less than nine weeks until my due date arrives and I have done nothing to anticipate his arrival.

Okay, that's a lie. I have relocated some pink blankets. And I just recently (and by that I mean with in the last couple of days) started looking at some things I could use to decorate his room. Last week, I started making him a quilt.

All of those things have been done in a cloud of fear. I get all anxious knowing I need to prepare but then I become paralyzed.

That whisper of what if sings in my ear. Resonates throughout every cell.

I am holding my breath. I have a sigh I long to release.

I just can't yet. It's not time.

I have less than nine weeks until his arrival and I have just now started to feel those little sparks that some identify as excitement. He kicks or jabs and I smile.

I can't do this.

I have spent the last seven and a half months guarding and protecting myself.

I can't get excited because what if?

I long to release this sigh. I crave to exhale.

But I am so scared.

I have scars that run deep. I have scars that hurt everyday. I don't want more.

Little Man gets the hiccups and I catch myself wondering if he will have those after birth as well. He kicks and I smile. Without trying I wonder what he will look like, who he will be.

I long to hold him. I long to hold them. I long to know who they would have been. And everything gets tangled.

I am anxious to know what his arrival will mean. I need to know.

I don't know if I can continue to wonder and anticipate if the ending will be one that results in ragged scars. If it will result in more lines on face etched by tears.

I don't know how you balance guarding your heart and falling in love at the same time.

I don't know if this tangled mess of my emotions will result in damage I cannot undo.

I don't know how to do any of this.

How do I fully submerge into this moment, in this blessing when I still ache to be in the moments that came before? How do I embrace the wondering and longing when there is so much of me still longing for what I so desperately miss?



  1. It's SO scary. I was reminded of that this morning, when I couldn't feel our rainbow kicking as much. As I prodded my belly and guzzled juice, I found myself thinking -- if he dies now, with the end in sight, it will be SO MUCH WORSE than losing his sister. I don't know if I could survive. And yet, I can't help but be excited. I am SO excited, and SO scared. How is that possible? (Also, our rainbow is fine -- he passed both his kick counts with flying colors).

    Anyway, all that to say...I get it and am right there with you. You can do this. You are doing it.

    1. Thank you Beth! Knowing I am not along with these emotions and fears makes it a little "better", you know? I am so thankful for your rainbow baby and I am thankful to hear he is doing well. When are you due?

  2. Praying for you! THe end is the hardest. I remember those last two months I became a shut in. I couldnt go anywhere where I couldnt have the quiet I needed to count kicks. I was obsessive but I didnt know how else to be. The doctors office because me new best friend and each visit gave me a little bit of reassurance. Praying that God will pour his grace out on the both of you in these last few weeks! Hang in there, it is worth it- I promise!



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