Thursday, August 23, 2012

Tangled

This is such a strange time, such a strange place for me to be. By nature I am a planner. I am a doer. I get things done.

I have less than nine weeks until my due date arrives and I have done nothing to anticipate his arrival.

Okay, that's a lie. I have relocated some pink blankets. And I just recently (and by that I mean with in the last couple of days) started looking at some things I could use to decorate his room. Last week, I started making him a quilt.

All of those things have been done in a cloud of fear. I get all anxious knowing I need to prepare but then I become paralyzed.

That whisper of what if sings in my ear. Resonates throughout every cell.

I am holding my breath. I have a sigh I long to release.

I just can't yet. It's not time.

I have less than nine weeks until his arrival and I have just now started to feel those little sparks that some identify as excitement. He kicks or jabs and I smile.

I can't do this.

I have spent the last seven and a half months guarding and protecting myself.

I can't get excited because what if?

I long to release this sigh. I crave to exhale.

But I am so scared.

I have scars that run deep. I have scars that hurt everyday. I don't want more.

Little Man gets the hiccups and I catch myself wondering if he will have those after birth as well. He kicks and I smile. Without trying I wonder what he will look like, who he will be.

I long to hold him. I long to hold them. I long to know who they would have been. And everything gets tangled.

I am anxious to know what his arrival will mean. I need to know.

I don't know if I can continue to wonder and anticipate if the ending will be one that results in ragged scars. If it will result in more lines on face etched by tears.

I don't know how you balance guarding your heart and falling in love at the same time.

I don't know if this tangled mess of my emotions will result in damage I cannot undo.

I don't know how to do any of this.

How do I fully submerge into this moment, in this blessing when I still ache to be in the moments that came before? How do I embrace the wondering and longing when there is so much of me still longing for what I so desperately miss?





Stephanie




3 comments:

  1. It's SO scary. I was reminded of that this morning, when I couldn't feel our rainbow kicking as much. As I prodded my belly and guzzled juice, I found myself thinking -- if he dies now, with the end in sight, it will be SO MUCH WORSE than losing his sister. I don't know if I could survive. And yet, I can't help but be excited. I am SO excited, and SO scared. How is that possible? (Also, our rainbow is fine -- he passed both his kick counts with flying colors).

    Anyway, all that to say...I get it and am right there with you. You can do this. You are doing it.

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    1. Thank you Beth! Knowing I am not along with these emotions and fears makes it a little "better", you know? I am so thankful for your rainbow baby and I am thankful to hear he is doing well. When are you due?

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  2. Praying for you! THe end is the hardest. I remember those last two months I became a shut in. I couldnt go anywhere where I couldnt have the quiet I needed to count kicks. I was obsessive but I didnt know how else to be. The doctors office because me new best friend and each visit gave me a little bit of reassurance. Praying that God will pour his grace out on the both of you in these last few weeks! Hang in there, it is worth it- I promise!
    RyAnne

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