Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Darkness Swallows Whole

Its been looming near and around me for some time.

Its been dancing near me, tempting me to join in.

The other day, it just got to be too much.

The darkness entered without invitation but oh, how I welcomed it.

It fell on my shoulders like a heavy winter coat. I wrapped it around and zipped it up. It was warm. It was comfortable. It was the only thing that felt right.

When the darkness swallowed me up, I was not scared like I thought I would be. I wondered why I didn't let it swallow me whole sooner.

The darkness was the only thing that made sense to me.

I have been living in a world where the sun always shines and people move on with their lives. It feels as if I am the only one hurting. People still get up, go to work and worry about what's for dinner and what they will be doing when the weekend knocks on the door.

I don't worry about such things anymore. I worry about if I will be able to get out of bed in the morning, if I will be able to produce a smile for my daughter, if I will always feel empty.

So, when the darkness came, I sat with it wrapped around me. It seemed the only logical thing to do.

It told me to be still and to feel every ounce of agony that was in me. It told me to weep. It told me to cry out in frustration and despair. It told me to play out the dreams I had for Emmerson and Vivienne.

I exposed myself to the darkness.

It was extremely painful.

It was extremely lonely.

It was extremely necessary.

I opened the door that covers the void that was once my heart.

My God spoke to me and said, "Now, let me fill that space for you."

When the door opened, I invited My God to sit in that deep, dark void.

I will continue to be still and I will listen.

And I will leave everything else up to Him.

Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10


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