Sorrow overcomes me like a dark cloud. I think of all that I have lost. All that I miss. All that I will never have and all that will never be mine.
I am searching. Searching for answers. Searching for a way to turn back the clock and change the outcome. Searching for a way to bring them back.
I scream. I yell. I cry.
I search for someone to blame.
I search and I find my God and express my great displeasure with Him.
I hear, "Praise Me."
What?! You want me to praise You?!
How do I praise a God who allowed this to happen?
How do I go about praising in a time of deep hurt?
I was and still am having a hard time grasping this concept so I looked up the definition of Praise. It means to express approval of; give honor to.
It didn't help me.
It actually frustrates me!
How does a Mother ever approve of the death of her babies?
I am a Mommy. Every fiber of my being wants them here. I wanted to care for them, teach them, hold them, love them.
Now I am unable to because the God I serve allowed them to be taken from me.
How do I approve of that?
The other part of the definition of Praise is, give honor to...
Can I still give honor to God?
Honor - outward respect; reverence
This one is a little easier for me to grasp.
Do I respect God is who He says He is? Do I trust it?
Do I trust and respect God is sovereign, just, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, compassionate?
He lets us know through His word that His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9).
He knows the whole picture. If He is the Alpha and the Omega then surely He knows the beginning and the end of the world and of course this story, my story. My life.
Before we were even conceived, He knew the moment we would be born, the number of breaths we will take, and the moment we will return to Him. (Jeremiah 1:5)
I trust that, not only does He know how my life will play out, but He also knows the life of my girls.
He holds the big beautiful mural of life. He holds the mural of my life and the life of my girls in His hands. He sees it. He knows it.
I do not.
I don't know what an hour from now will hold for me.
And just as He is with me right now, He will be waiting for me an hour from now.
I trust that. I believe that.
I also believe that Christ walked this earth, died on the cross, and was resurrected so that I may have eternal life with Him, in Heaven.
If He is there, and I believe He is, then so are Emmerson and Vivienne.
And one day, I will be there too.
I will see my gorgeous girls again! I will be able to hold them and kiss them once more!
And there will not be a time limit to our reunion.
I can praise God for that!