I wish I could turn back the hands of the time
and go back to that June day. See another image on the Ultrasound screen, have the air that filled that room one of joy and not stillness, utter shock.
I wish I could return to that June day and hear different words, see faces that expressed excitement and not faces that said they were sorry.
I wish I could return to that June day and return all those excited, much anticipated calls and texts with news they were wanting . . . expecting . . . wishing to hear.
I wish I could have entered that dark room on different terms. I wish I could have entered it and it would have been a room of rejoicing and not regretting.
I wish I could turn around and start anew in that room so when the contractions gave way to life, I would have held you in my arms and rejoiced in the breaths of your cries.
I wish I could turn around and start anew in that room and while I held you, felt the movement of life, the breath of life, seen the eyes open and searching in wonder and in awe. Seen the lips of your daddy move and root and smacking together.
I wish I could whisper those three words to you during two am feedings, during diaper changes, during bath times. Always face to face to express how much this mommy loves you.
I wish I could have been given the chance to be your mommy, this side of heaven.
I wish I could carry you in these arms of mine and let my arms be the perch in which you could see the sweetness of the world, the beauty and the love of all time.