Friday, October 28, 2011

Hopefully Not Forever...

Oh, how I ache! Oh, how I wish this pain would have passed me by!

How I desperately wish God would not have allowed this.

With the vibrant colored leaves falling, so have my tears. So many that I could soak the earth.

When I still had the beating of two precious hearts within, I was excited for Autumn. It is my favorite season. It was going to be the season I was going to rock into snow covered earth with my babies.

What am I supposed to do now?

I am back to keeping the curtains closed. I don't want to see the beautiful life that Spring brought die a beautiful death. I have seen enough of that. Even though I know the dying will usher in something new, I don't want to witness it.

I just want to rock my babies.

I want to pass by a baby section and not suppress a moan. I want to pass by a baby section and not fight back tears and be able to find a voice around the lump in my throat. I want to smile again from the depths within.

What if that is gone forever?

What if all that is left is this terrible desperation? What if all that is left is just the ability to endure and not enjoy?

What to do when faith and emotions don't always match up? How do you pour that Sweet Salve on what aches when you are too broken to see?

What do you do?

It is hard to trust, hard to see that there is a light in the distance.

It is rough. This road where I unexpectedly found myself, it is so rough, too black to see. I do not want to be here. I want to be in a rocking chair rocking my babies into a new season.

What am I supposed to do now?



  1. Oh how I wish I didn't understand. I wish no one ever had to. My Aidan is up there dancing with your girls. I too am so afraid of never being able to fully feel things since losing him. How are we supposed to be truly happy, hope to the fullest, live without fear? Our faith is the only thing we have to hold onto. Hold on tight.

  2. thank you for sharing with me! I am so sorry you know just how hard it is. My prayer and wish is that others don't ever have to know this feeling. You too, hold on tight!



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