Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I Want To See

She spoke so sweet. From the silence that rarely occurs, she sweetly spoke.

On a crisp, clear winters day, her voice broke the silence.

"I see Daddy in the kie (sky)! Do you see his aipane (airplane), Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetie."

"Hi, Daddy!"

Some more silence then . . . "Is Jesus high in the kie like Daddy?"

"Yes, but higher and also everywhere. He is in the sky with Daddy and He is here with us."

More silence. A couple of minutes more and then this . . .

"Daddy's in the sky so he can get Vivienne and Emmewson. Okay, Mommy?"

The sweet sound of those words brought tears to my eyes.

Even she is trying to make this make sense.

A few days later, we were all in the car together. Again, there was silence from the backseat. And again, very strange.

The sun had already started its descent, closing yet another day. The evening sky was beautifully splashed in oranges, yellows and pinks.

I was staring at the sky, lost in thought, thinking about Emmerson and Vivienne. Wondering what they were doing at that exact moment. Wondering if they could see me. Wondering if they had a part in making the sky so pretty.

From the back seat, "Look! The kie!"

"It's beautiful, isn't baby?"

"I see him!"

"You see Daddy? But he's right here."

She says this a lot whenever she sees an airplane in the sky. So you could understand my confusion.

"No. I see him!"

"Oh! You see Jesus?"

"NO! I see them! They wight there!" She proclaims with some frustration mixed with excitement as she is pointing into the sky.

And then she sweetly says this, "Hi!"

She then proceeds to talk about anything and everything, just like a two year old does.

I am left speechless yet again.

Why can't I see them?

How? How is it so easy for my two year old to acknowledge them and talk about them and see them but it doesn't leave her hurting more? Asking more questions? She is satisfied with the little knowledge she has and the glimmers she receives.

How and why is it so easy for her to accept? To accept that they are gone? To see and acknowledge the morsels of peace and know them for what they are?

Why does it seem that this is easy to accept for everyone?

Everyone but me?



  1. Hi,
    I found your blog from the TTTS fb group. I have been reading through your posts and I just recognize so many of your feelings, especially your post about Christmas. I wish no one had to know these feelings, but if we's nice to have other people to walk this journey with who know what it's like. Praying for you and your family! And also, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your girls names.

    Jana Kimmel

  2. Kids accept things more easily, I think because they don't know any better. We see it with kids that have chronic illnesses, and they don't get depressed, they don't get downtrodden, they just keep playing and loving and babbling and imagining. They don't know how to think to the future and think of the long term consequences and they don't process the heartache at that age. It's amazing, really, because they have such an innocence about everything. Just as Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me," it's because we should have faith in Him the way they do...blindly and without question. And she has faith in you, faith in Him, faith in her sisters, and she just doesn't know any different. It's inspiring, and it's a sign that you and Aaron are doing an amazing job raising her and a sign that she's going to be very well-rounded.



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